Mud on your face, Big disgrace.....

I thought I had that Queen album with "We Will Rock You," on it. But I don't. Blondie uses part of it on "Good Boys," and No Doubt used it for the intro on the Singles tour.

Tomorrow I'm going to look like a heroin junkie. I was under the false impression that since I was given the horrid banana smoothie to drink, that I wouldn't have to have an IV. Wrong! The cute guy who escorted me to the CAT scan trailer (yes, a trailer!) told me on our way up the stairs. As if that didn't suck enough, they gave me more of the killer smoothie to drink.

After I layed down on the bed, the woman who seemed to be in charge looked at my right hand and said "well, we can't use that one because it is already badly bruised. Let's see the other one." Now, when the assistant (the cute guy) told me I'd be getting an IV, I felt like I was going to be sick. As she was getting ready to stick me, I felt this panic rising up in me. Then she started poking the needle around after it was already in. They switched on the IV machine, but it wasn't working. She'd have to stick me again.

This was just a little to much for me. She decided to try for the side of my left hand. As I felt hot tears running down my face, she stuck me. Again! Neither one of them seemed to notice until I started to sniffle. See, this is why I wanted to go by myself. I was desperately trying to stop, but then she started moving the needle around in my wrist. It's bad enough to cry at all, but better strangers than people who know me. Plus, I felt humiliated about crying in front of the cute guy.

About 15 minutes into the procedure, she had to take the IV out. She didn't really explain to me why except to say that my veins are too fragile and delicate for it to work. She apologised to me and held an ice pack to my wrist. The cute guy helped me up.

I had to get dressed almost one handed because she told me to keep my left arm elevated and to keep the ice on it. That was definitely one of the longest 30 minutes of my life.

The woman told me to expect a bruise from my wrist down to my elbow. I'm supposed to ice it today. And then tomorrow, if my injection site has hardened and not stopped swelling, I'm supposed to switch to hot compresses.

By the time I'd driven myself home, the paper towel wrapped around the ice they gave me was half covered in blood. It's not bleeding anymore though.

Gonna go pass out now, Tragic

My stupid computer.

I think my computer is on its last legs. Or maybe it got infected with a virus. It's acting like Hal, that homicidal computer from 2000 (or was it 2001)? At least it hasn't developed the ability to speak yet-- it can't convince the other household appliances to mutiny.

I've got an academic dilemma on my hands. If I take all the classes I registered for, I'll be taking 18 units. (The maximum my school allows.)

This is what my schedule currently looks like:

-- Study of Religion
M, W, 9- 10:15am

-- Ancient Near East
M, W, 1:30pm- 2:45pm

--History 100W (Writing Workshop)
W 3- 5:45pm

--World History 1A
T, Th, 9- 10:15am

-- World History 1B
T, Th, 10:30- 11:45am

-- Africa to 1800
T, 6- 8:45pm

I've never taken 6 classes before. Last semester I took 5, which was definitely a full plate. If I can take these classes though, I can graduate after this semester and apply for grad school. But, taking those six classes at once is gonna seriously backfire if I screw up and get less that a C+ in any of those classes. Also, because of the budget problems in California, who knows if the classes I need will be offered in Spring. The writing worshop is really going to be tough. Our professor was recruited from UC Berkeley, so he's probably expecting great things from us. FYI, Study of Religion is for my minor. I only have until September 14th to drop classes, so I guess I'll just see how this next week goes. It depends on if I'm gonna fell so sick for a long period of time.

Tomorrow is the day of the glow in the dark smoothie. I just want to get better. I'm not supposed to work out-- no push ups, no crunches. It's not like I feel up to doing any of that anyway.

Today was tough. In my first class I had to deal with a fever, and something new, double vision! That feeling of tightness across my chest has definitely gotten worse, like it's spread around to my back too. Argh. Guess I've got to go back to the doctor.

I really don't want to go until she calls with the results. What if she just tells me to go home and thinks I'm some crazy hypochondriac? What if there's nothing she can do for me?

If I can just get some sleep tonight, maybe I'll feel better. Tylenol PM, perhaps? Nights seem to be more... painful.

How embarassing, I feel like such an old lady!!!

~Tragic

4 more weeks

So this morning I had my doctor's appointment, finally. Both of my parents, although divorced, work for the same HMO, which I'll call Schmizer to avoid slander.

I was supposed to be seen at 9:15am. My Doctor, however, didn't make an appearance until 9:50. It's a mystery to me why the clinic staff choose to keep the f***in' place so damn cold, considering the place is full of sick people.

Anyway, I guess the nurse or receptionist took down my chief complaint as abdominal pain. So I had to explain, for the 3rd time, what my problems was. (First time, talking to the phone operator at Schmizer, 2nd time, talking to the R.N. at the call center who's in charge of making appointments, third time, actually talking to the doctor.) She ordered a blood test... and a CAT scan. She's going to call me in 3- 4 weeks with the results, or "the plan" or whatever.

Jesus Christ! 28 more days? What am I supposed to do until then? Keep still, not move my left arm, and try not to breathe too much. It's worse at night, I sleep for 3 or 4 hours at a time.

I guess that's it.

I left her office with almost 10 sheets of paper, and went to the lab. I was the only person in the waiting area who wasn't over the age of 65. They all looked at me like I was a felon, I guess cuz of the pink hair and the way I dress. When it was my turn, I climbed out of the chair, trying not to hurt myself.

Despite the numerous signs in the room that said "I love my phlebotomist", I must admit that I do not share that thought. Not at all. Even though I have piercings, it is NOT the same thing. Not remotely. Although she did have a really cool Russian accent.

The first time she stuck me was in my left arm. I was looking in the other direction, waiting for it to be over. After what seemed like an eternity, she said "Ok..... this isn't working here. We'll have to try again."

Shit.

So then she decided on my right hand and stuck me again. I was trying to crane my head as far as it would go in the opposite direction when she said to me "It's important that you keep breathing, dear."

30 seconds later: "Don't hold your breath, dear!" And then we were done. It occurs to me that probably everyone tries to flee the lab as fast as they can.

When I was a teenager, I was a candy striper at O'Connor Hospital. After almost nine years, I still remember where all the departments are. But this is Schmiser and I have no friggin' clue where to make my CAT scan appointment. The receptionist informed me that it was on the other side of the complex and that I might want to move my car.

There's nothing quite like feeling awful, not being able to take a normal breath, and feeling like you've been attacked by a porcupine, and trying to navigate your way through a traffic jam in the hospital parking lot. I actually ended up parking on the other side of this small embankment. After doing what I believe might just be the best parallel parking job ever, I climbed out of my car. The instant I hit the grass I instantly regretted not wearing my boots. Try not falling on your ass walking down a muddy hill when you've got a fever!!

My CAT scan is Friday at 1:30. I was really hoping I could keep it quiet. My dad is a hopeless hypochondriac. The chick behind the desk gave me these two huge containers of "banana smoothie" that I'm supposed to drink before hand. Fuck.

Maybe I'll just keep 'em in my room and pop them in the fridge late Thursday night.

Oh! I almost forgot that school starts tomorrow. Wednesdays are my "heavy class" day, too. (sigh)

~ exhausted Tragic

one more night

As I was telling Sean over at "Doc in the Box," I think I screwed up this weekend.

For the past few months I've had this soreness in my ribs. I thought it would just go away on its own, like maybe I pulled something and it just needed to heal on its own. But last week it really started to hurt. It hurts when I raise my left arm, or when I lay on my left side. It hurts when I lay on my back.

Yesterday my dad and I went to Santa Barbara to meet Amy Acker (from Angel: The Series) and get her autograph along with other people from the show. My dad bought the tickets two weeks ago, so I didn't want to back out. We were in line for almost two hours, and before I could catch myself, I stretched both arms over my head. When I did that, I felt this awful popping sound. And then there was the burning. It was like somehow, I was being scalded from the inside. As if that didn't suck enough, I got a fever too.

Last night was tough and I barely slept. Tonight will probably be the same cuz I can only lay in one position and it hurts when I breathe. Have learned *not* to take deep breaths cuz it jst hurts too much. It's midnite now. I just have to make it til the morning and then I can call for an appoinment. (if they make me one.) G'night all. ~Tragic.

The ritual slaughter of my bank account

I've got to graduate soon, before I'm all out of dinero. Back in July, I sent in my tuition money, a total of $1,500. Two nights ago, I bought my parking permit, a total of $192. I've yet to buy any books. Argh. I always joke that pretty soon, there will be coin machines in the restrooms with little signs in each stall that read "please deposit 25 cents for each piece of toilet paper."

As far as my wacky pain in my side, I've figured out several things. I musn't reach for anything with my left arm, twist around on the left side, lay on my left side, or take deep breaths. Crap, this better be gone by the time school starts. : (

Last Friday I made an appointment to get one of my latest tattoos touched up. I got three chinese characters on my sternum. At first, I only wanted 2 characters, but added another at a later date. I've got other tattoos, so I knew what to expect. But what made this a little difficult was the location. I have to wear something that buttons or zips in the front. It was 92 degrees today, so I figured I wouldn't wear my jacket with the zipper. That left a light weight sweater. This was my third appoinment for this tattoo, and I've managed to avoid flashing Julio, until today.

I've been friends with Julio for almost three years now. After my ex quit the shop Julio works at, I didn't see him as much.

He was all finished and getting ready to tape me up. I let my right arm fall off the bench right as he was putting the "bandage" on. The problem with that motion turned out to be that it totally exposed my right...... side. (ahem, and you know what I mean.) I tried to non- chalantly as possible fix my sweater since we were in the middle of a conversation. After I was taped up and properly clothed, I tried to tip him and he refused. (Touch ups are free.) After he gets back from vacation, we're going to start work on another piece.

It's not as bad as it would have been, in terms of humiliation, if I'd been 16. Don't get me wrong, I'm embarassed. But maybe he didn't see anything.

Maybe he didn't notice.(?)

Sean: Wish me luck on that motrin thing!

~Tragic

Anyone watching the Olympics?

This is going to be a short post 'cuz I'm not feeling too great right now. The Romanians just won the gold medal, Americans silver, Russians bronze in Women's gymnastics. Since I was a little girl, this was my favourite part of the games.

I'm not feeling well because I got two hours of sleep last night. Why, you ask? The short version goes like this. Three months ago I started to notice this pain right over my ribs on the left side. I never quite figured out how I managed to hurt myself like this. But since two days ago it's gotten worse. Today I even bought an ace bandage to wrap around my self. That seems to help, except that when I take it off I swear it hurts more.

Last night, as soon as I went to bed, it hurt at least 10 times more than it had in the past. Lying on my back, I felt all this pain and pressure. I could only sleep in one position without being uncomfortable. It's worst at night.

Now today, I notice it when I stand up after sitting or sit after laying down, after a change in position. You get the drift. And if I take a too deep breath, I instantly regret it. Sitting in this stupid chair doesn not help.

This sucks. I feel like such a weakling.

No, I didn't injure myself with that corset. I exchanged it today and haven't worn it yet. It's not a proper corset anyway.

I'll try ice tonight and maybe that will help. Hopefully I'll actually sleep.

~tragic

Amazing new addiction of mine!

Oooh! I can't tell you how bad I've been bad. In the past week I've bought sooo many brand new bras. I even bought a corset. (Unfortunately, I might have to return it because it's a bit to big across the ribs. They are supposed to be tight tight tight!)

The first five were from Macy's (this number includes corset I might return.) The second four were from J.C. Penny's. My grandpa worked there after he retired the first time, and as the employee's family, we get these neat little discount cards every once and awhile. At first I wasn't at all jazzed because, as a pink haired chica, this store doesn't offer a whole lot. BUT, I found a bunch of cool stuff in the lingerie department.

The best part was I saved 15% with my discount/ coupon, and then I applied for a JCP credit card, and recieved an additional 20% off. I saved 58 dollars!

I've been finding quite a few bargains this month. I bought a white corduroy coat with shearling border from Aeropostale a few weeks back. It was marked as $85, and I they gave it to me for $29.99. (beams with pride)

Hmm, but my potential boyfriend is off with some other girl. So I'm all dressed up with no place to go.

If I drop dead at a public place, at least the paramedics will get to see my new lace garments.

Lambs:

There is a two page spread of Gwen Stefani in "Sophisticates Hair Magazine." Jessica Simpson is on the cover.

In Elle (Fall fashion issue) there is a full page picture of Gwen along with a brief paragraph. She is number eight on "The Elle 25" list, page 334. (It's the same black and white pic from the Paper magazine feature a few years ago.) Jessica Simpson is on the cover.

In Cosmo there are two very small pictures of Gwen. Each pic is probably 1inch by 2 inches. Probably not worth paying for the whole mag. Jessica Simpson is on the cover.

Lambs & No Doubters: Here are some sites that are pretty cool and worth checking out:

Gwen Retro Style ---> http://www.gwen-rs.prv.pl/
This site has some cool downloads, lamb updates, beautiful wallpapers, and ringtones.

Just A Girl ---> http://www.justagirl.net/
This site is great for looking up lyrics for ND covers and rarities. It also features a blog, but the gallery is kind of small.

~Tragic

For fun.....

21 CLUES A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT:

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOOHOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher!

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs.

You probably laughed at the ones that apply (or applied) to you. Send this along to all the girls you know who like to have fun. Make them laugh at themselves like you do. (We all know who we are, or were!)

Life with a man is like a pack of cards...u need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to bash his head in and a spade to bury his ass!

Thanks so much to Violet, who sent me this. 'You so totally rock!' (lol)

~Tragic

The Dead Man In The Road

Last Friday, Phuong invited me to play Monopoly. It was 10pm when she called so I had to hurry and get ready-- I didn't want to keep them waiting. When I was getting ready, I thought about wearing my Hello Kitty army warmers, but ultimately, decided against it.

I was the last one there, but that's because unlike some moochers, I stopped at the grocery store first. I bought some Corona, and two kinds of Pepperidge Farms cookies (Brussels and Milano). Already there were Sarah and her new boyfriend, Alex, as well as Kevin and Tony (and Phuong and Mai, who live there.) I'd never played Monopoly with 7 people before. Having no brother or sisters, when I played Monopoly-- I played with my mom and dad. A game of Monopoly was a serious time commitment.

By my third roll of the dice, I got sent to jail with Danh. I only had the chance to buy three properties, all different colors. Adrian and Lisa, however, quickly had monopolies. Their properties soon had hotels. Danh was the first to go bankrupt, Tony the second, myself, the third. By 1pm the game was over and we set off to In-N-Out Burger. Adrian and Lisa simply had to have burgers from the place.

Phuong's parents were in Los Angeles, so she decided to borrow the mini-van, so we'd only need one car. Tony, however, had a problem. He was going to go home early, he said. Phuong was arguing with him saying he could at least come out with us first. At which point Sara cooed "Ohhh, Tony thinks he's gonna get some tonight. You should go, you might get lucky." At which point Danh started chiming in, and I stopped listening. I have a very vivid imagination and I had a boyfriend for 5 years, so I don't need these sorts of things spelled out for me. I'd rather be in denial.

Tony has been dating this girl, who I'll call Laura, for two weeks. She's 27 and recently immigrated from mainland China. He's 24. I haven't had to talk any crap about her, because Phuong does it for me. "You know, she probably plans on marrying you so she can be a citizen," is one of her favourites.

After much arguing, Phuong finally guilted Tony into going with us to In-n-out, and then Krispy Kreme donuts. (I was excited about having my very first Krispy Kreme donut, after hearing everyone but my dog sing their praises.) But, Tony was going to drive in his Mustang and leave from the restaurant. Kevin went with him (Phuong's idea: to ensure Tony actually went to In-n-Out.)

Phuong drove, Mai sat in the front passenger seat. I was in the very back, by myself. On the middle bench, right in front of me, were Lisa and Adrian. At that point, I didn't even want to go. Why did I go? I don't even eat hamburgers. So, isolated in the back seat, mt mood just got crappier and crappier. Our route was 101 north, but it was closed, all lanes, due to road construction. Our only option was to take 237 west, towards Mountain View. After a few miles thought, we suddenly came upon what appeared to be a normal traffic snarl, albeit at 1am. I figured it was due to 101 being closed. But it wasn't.

Except for me, all by lonesome, everyone else was emersed in a conversation in the particular strengths and weaknesses of each player on the Oakland A's. (baseball). Then, Phuong suddenly stomped on the brakes. I peaked out my window to see what was happening. We saw the red tail lights of stopped traffic in both lanes. At the slow speed of maybe 10 miles an hour, we passed a BMW on the left side of the van. The back of it was all punched in. It appeared to be not running. All of us, at the same time saw something else. About 20 feet in front of the BMW was a motorcycle. Upside down. There was glass and other debris all around it. The man riding the motorcycle came to rest about 10 feet in front of it.

If it wasn't for the slightly odd angle of his head, or the slowly spreading dark pool around his head, one might think he was just having a snooze. It had just happened. None of the cars had moved. Everything was just eerily still. No one had approached the man in the road. He just lied there. Fourteen year old Mai asked "Wait, is that guy dead?," the question we were all probably asking ourselves. With so many other cars stopped, we slowly drove away.

The In-N-Out brger was a block away from the deadly scene. After we ordered, we heard and saw an ambulance and police car making their way there. Mylinh, like me, doesn't eat burgers-- she got a grilled cheese. I just had fries. Mai didn't want anything. Lisa and Adrian both had double cheeseburgers, fries, and milkshakes. Apparently they were unperturbed. While they were eating, I was thinking that "he" was the first dead person I ever saw. And I felt incredibly guilty when I realised he was the second.

Seo Chung was in the 11th grade English and Photojournalism classes. When we watched "The Graduate," in English class, she thought it was the dumbest movie ever made. Every thing she owned had that hello kitty on it: paper, pencils, pens, erasers, shoes, even an umbrella. When we couldn't get into the dark room, she would write these long letters to her cousin in Seoul. Each word was in a different color. Her best friend was Maria, and she loved Hello Kitty. and on Martin Luther King Jr. Day of 1996, she died.

That was the first rainy day of the year. Here in San Jose, our rainy season is typically in February, March, and April. When it happened, I was at O'Connor hospital, where I volunteered as a candy striper. Seo's older sister had been driving the car on a doomed trip to West Valley shopping center. Seo and her two cousins were the passengers. She must have gone around the clover leaf from 87 to 280 just a little too fast, because she lost control. As if crashing her car into a concrete pillar wasn't bad enough, her little sister and cousin died in the collision. Apparently, Seo wasn't wearing her seat belt. She flew the windshield. She never had a chance. Seo hadn't struck me as some one who wouldn't wear her sealt belt. Maybe she was taking off her coat, and took off her seat belt for just a few seconds? I guess we'll never know.

I remember the irratation I felt the next day when our school principal made an announcement over the PA system. He butchered her name, calling her "sow" (like the pig) rather than the correct pronunciation "see-oh". In his announcement, he explained how the whole school would feel her loss, but couldn't even take the time to ask one of her teacher's how to say her name.

My friends and I went to the funeral. It was my first funeral for someone my own age. The beginning of the service was in English, and the rest was in Korean. Seo's sister sobbed her way through an apology letter in Korean. When we walked by the casket, I remember thinking she looked like she had alot of make up on. On one wrist was a Hello Kitty bracelet. In the other hand was a Hello Kitty purse. And tucked beside her was a beloved Hello Kitty stuffed animal. After we walked by the casket, we passed by her family and gave a little bow to each. I remember looking into her grandmother's eyes and seeing incredible sorrow. It was a very long walk.

I only ate half my fries. They weren't very crispy, or maybe I just lost my appetite.

In the parking lot, Tony gave me a hug before everyone else. In a few days, he would be on his way to Hawaii with his younger brother. He asked me if he could get me anything, and I told him postcards, for my collection. But he'll probably forget all about that.

Two days later, in the local section of the paper I found what I'd been looking for. I had been searching the paper for news of the accident. But as it turned out, a handful of people actually died on bay area freeways that weekend. Two other motor cyclists were killed, and one man who'd just been married apparently fell asleep behind the wheel and crashed into a tree.

The description of the accident was rather brief in an Ernest Hemingway/ journalistic sort of way. In two paragraphs, the paper explained that, on an early Saturday morning, an unidentified man was riding his motorcycle at a high rate of speed on 237. A slow moving BMW moved into the lane the motor cyclist was traveling in-- badly cutting him off.

I can't help but wonder what he was doing out so late. Was he like us, headed to In-N-Out burger? Was he going home to his wife? What was he thinking when he hit the back of that car? As the veteran of several high speed accidents, I can tell you that in my experience, time gets very wonky. It seems to both slow down and speed up at once.

Maybe he didn't have time to think.

Maybe he never even saw it coming.

(edit: ooh, I just re-read this and realised how many spelling and grammar slips there were.)

~Tragic

**brain explodes**

Today was supposed to be about funny. Today was supposed to be stress-free.

But for five hours, I've been in quite possibly, the most pain I've ever been in my entire life. This is a killer migraine if there ever was such a thing. I'm going to have one a half flexerils and cry. **make it stop**

The sand man missed my house

Since I'm too wound up to sleep, here are two more links. Due to security issues, a person can't just send a letter to "Any Service Person" anymore. Operation Dear Abby was discontinued many moons ago. If you want to support some one far from home, check out these sites.

Soldiers Angels---> http://www.soldiersangels.com/

Books For Soldiers---> http://www.booksforsoldiers.com/

It doesn't cost that much to cheer some one up. You can send a postcard or a magazine, or even a CD. To send a CD to Iraq costs 4 stamps. So it's not too expensive.

You can even just send a letter. Which costs, like, 37 cents. ~Tragic

Just try talking to a cranky hamburger!

I'm beginning to dread nights because I can't sleep anymore. Is there some mental disorder where a person is constantly tired, but can never sleep. 'Cuz if there is I definitely have it. Trying to type in this little box is weird, but less intimidating than trying to write a term paper and staring at a blank page and blinking cursor.

So.... should I relate my sad story about my crush? (grumble) I guess I should. Maybe it'll be therapeutic. Contrary to what Navy Doc says, I still think anyone who isn't me will think I'm pathetic...... and POINT AND LAUGH! But first, some background. (You know, to boost my total words written.)

The Monday before Valentines Day of this year, I broke up with by boyfriend of five years. I know, I know. I should have waited until after V- Day, but I'd had enough. Besides, he broke up with me first, in a my-space.com message!! So you can imagine my surprise when, on my way home from school, I find the road to my house blocked by one incredibly pissed off (ex?) boyfriend. He yelled out his window that he NEEDED to talk to me. Right now.

Crap. I pulled into my driveway and he pulled in right behind me. After storming up my driveway he started screaming at me and I thought he was gonna hit me. I remember sadly noting that no one in the neighborhood was out and about to witness the potential kicking of my ass. He just kept screaming "What's up with you?? Why haven't you called me?" and on and on. I believe the words "fuckin' bitch" were used several times. Even though I was really pissed off, I've always been afraid of him because he had such a bad temper. Which is why I was so disappointed when, I started crying while pointing out that he broke up with me first in a friggin' e-mail on myspace.com. Then he started to backpedal and say that he was just doing what he thought I wanted to do. Anyway, he asked me what I wanted to do-- did I want to break up? This was a moment I had thought about maybe 30 or 40 times in the past year.

I'd always wondered whether people could feel like they were having one of those "outer body experience" thingies without being near death. During the first half year or so of our relationship, he was great. Then he got mean. Not all the time. After he'd have one of his episodes, I'd always think of "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde." (sp?) But anyway, my point is, during these "episodes" I'd always feel like I was watching it happen from across the room. Seeing some maniac scream at some little pink haired girl half his age. The last fight was no exception. Except this time, I just thought to myself... That's IT!

And I mustered the strength to say "I think we should break up." Eery silence followed. Then, he started to cry and accused me of cheating on him-- 'cuz why else would I break things off 'just like that.' It was like watching myself and, I'll call him "Mike", re-enact that crucial moment in "The Labyrinth" where Sarah tells the Goblin King he has no power over her. Causing the world around them to shatter.

After accepting the situation (or so I thought) he demanded that I return a bicycle that he got me for my 20th birthday. So we went into the house.

Mike was behind me as I tried to unlock the backdoor to the shed. I got kind of nervous that I'd turned my back on him. This is a guy who carried a knife-- he slashed all four tires on this chick's car once because she took his parking place. I was so wound up, just so nervous that I was shaking. It felt like an eternity to get that door open, but when I did he grabbed the bike and wheeled it away. He crammed it into his car and, because he knew it would piss me off, said "I just wish you hadn't dropped out of nursing school." I didn't rise to the bait though. The thought ran through my mind that I wouldn't have to put up with his BS anymore. Almost FREE! Against my better judgement, I didn't argue when he said he wanted one last hug to say goodbye. Even though I really wanted to scream, "I didn't drop out of school-- I changed majors!!" I held my tongue. And for the time being, he was gone.

With the dark rain cloud of a boyfriend gone, I finally started to make friends because I wasn't always with him after school. My first friend, who I'll call Phuong, was in my Historiography class. We saw each other in the halls all the time, and bonded because of her not-so- secret crush on a guy, who was in three of my classes.

Over Spring break, Phuong had a birthday bash at her house. After her parents left (to go to Phuong's uncle's house) the coolers full of beer and assorted alcoholic beverages made an appearance. Everyone there knew about Phuong's crush, so I guess it's rather poetic in a Bronte sisters kind of way that I'd meet Tony there. **sigh** My crush!

At that point in time, Tony (not his real name) was dating a girl, who for whatever reason, was absent that night. Several weeks later, Phuong invited me to go clubbing with her and Tony. It seemed that Tony's girl had cheated on him, and now he was single. **Here's my chance, I thought.**

But being terminally shy has several downsides, one of which is how impossible it can be to, oh, talk to people or ask them out on dates. I did manage to get his phone number but I cloaked the request under the guise of having a study group with some other kids in class.

Phuong always calls the two of us to hang out (movies, dinner, etc.) We are like the three musketeers, if two of them were chicks. This was an easy way to get my fix without actually having to ask Tony out. "Oh, hey, Phuong wants to see "King Arthur" tonight. Wanna come?" That's how easy it was.

But at some point, I think Phuong caught onto me. She hasn't said anything to embarass me or otherwise tattle. She started calling Tony ahead of our nights out and would ask him to pick me up, "that way you guys can come together."

There was tons of booze left from Phuong's party, but her parents forbid alcohol in the house. This means that the beer, vodka, whatever, would be in Phuong's closet until it was to be used. At the appropriate time, the bottles would be put into the freezer for quick chilling.

The night of the free dinner at Outback, courtesy of Phuong's older sister, we rented "Underworld." (Tony has a a bit of thing for Kate Beckinsale.) I had two beers since I didn't have to drive home. And I was also trying to gather my courage. Because on the ride out, I was going to ask Tony out-- sort of.

I had two tickets to the Santa Barbara No Doubt concert on the 2nd of July. My plan was to mention that I was supposed to go with my friend Preyma (not her real name) but she cancelled on me. The whole ride home, I was on pins and needles. With less than half of the ride back to my house left, I managed to ask him. Being pretty drunk (but not quite drunk enough to NOT be worried) made it a teensy bit easier.

Even when he said he couldn't go because, he only had X amount of days he could take off of work. He'd already promised to go to his room mate's bachelor party in Vegas. AND he was going to Hawaii to get his younger brother settled in at college. So, no, he couldn't go.

He was so nice about it. Almost apologetic. In fact, he was so genial about it that I didn't feel like the hugest loser in the world. And two weeks later, I asked him out-- AGAIN! Actually, I got his answering machine, So I just left a brief message.

Tony knows I'm a No Doubt fanatic. I went to four of the seven CA shows. I left him a message 10 days before the Shoreline show. Ectra ticket I haven't been able to sell, yadda yadda yadda. Give me a call either way. HE called me back the next day saying he couldn't go because he promised some girl a long time ago he'd go to her party. Hmfh!

Preyma, my bestest friend since I was 12, had encouraged me to ask him again. "Be Brave. And if says no, we'll go anyway. And I'll just tell you what an obvious jerk he is for not wanting to go with you." A week later Tony called me back. He asked me if I'd found anyone to go with me to the concert yet. My heart leapt. ** he called back to say he wants to go**.

And as I said no, I sensed something was wrong. I felt like that little cartoon coyote, the one who is always getting caught in his own traps. That's when Tony said he had a friend who would like to go. Was it okay with me if he gave him my number?

Oh, man. My reply was something like "okay.... but I'm still waiting to hear from one other person."

I never heard from his friend. Preyma and I went to the Shoreline concert and had a blast. There were a ton of other Gwen-a-bees there, so I felt right at home.

So, I'll close this post with a quote from "Angel: The Series," which sadly went off the air this spring. (Wini)Fred is talking to her crush, who doesn't share her feelings.

"In some ways I guess you're better off. Love is-- well, in a way it's everything. But it's also heartache and disappointment. And those are good things to avoid." -"Carpe Noctern"

one quick note

For all you No Doubters and Lambs who haven't already done so, you should check out Greener Pastures ---> http://www.greenerpastures.us/

Another site which is worth visiting is Everything in time ---> http://www.everythingintime.com//EngHome.htm. It's got some great downloads of recent concerts. (I think the entire Chula Vista concert from 6/24 is up.) -Tragic

We are Insomniacs

(Listening to No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom)

So last Saturday I deleted all of my blog. I'd accumulated, I dunno, 7 or 8 posts. Why? Most of it detailed my (unrequited) crush on a guy I'll call Tony. If I'm super bored tomorrow maybe I'll relive my anguish all over it again, so the 8 people who have stopped by can point and laugh at me. But I won't get in to it now.

Anyone who is reading this should also stop by these blogs and give them a read. They are (in no particular order):
Doc in the Box---> http://docinthebox.blogspot.com/
C's Rant ----> http://www.foxual.com/colin/
Corpsman Up!---> http://corpsmanup.blogspot.com/
Vadergrrrl's Rant Page ---> http://vadergrrrl.blogspot.com/

This blog will largely be about my stupid and pathetic life. And me whining most of the time. All of the time, actually.

Hmmm, what can I say about myself?? I'm just a typical girl, trying to finish college. My favourite bands are No Doubt, Evanescence, Linkin Park, The Distillers, Dido, Christina Aguilera, Echobelly, Bif Naked, Metallica. The last two movies I saw in the theatre were King Arthur and The Village. (I give them both my personal thumbs up.)

Beloved TV series include: Farscape, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel: The Series, Wonderfalls, Tru Calling, and Joan of Arcadia. Hey, it's not my fault that the networks are all incredibly BLOODY stupid and cancelled three of these. Fellow Farscapers--- how excited are you all? The Peacekeeper Wars is out this fall! (Squeal of delight!) Angel fans: There may be a Spike- centric movie on TV. (Nothing concrete as yet.)

I also love to read but (shame!) have fallen quite a bit behind this summer. The last books I read were : "The Hobbit" by J.R.R Tolkien, "Farscape: Dark Side of the Sun" by Andrew Dymond, and "Dispatches" by Michael Herr. Also, I read the graphic novel "Death: At Death's Door" by Jill Thompson. Since February, I've been reading "Dune" by Frank Herbert. I always feel really guilty if I don't finish reading a book and always try to finish every one I start. Also, I read a pretty interesting book for my women's history class last semester. I can't remember the author but it was called Love and Toil: Motherhood in Outcast London. I'm always in the market for a good book-- so if you'd like to recommend one, feel free.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans should definitely read "Spike & Dru: Pretty Maids All In A Row" by Christopher Golden. I read this before season 7 and kept wondering if the episodes were going to closely follow what happened in the book. The great thing about this book is that both die-hard BtVS fans and newbies can equally enjoy it.

In my part of California, mosquitoes are rarely a problem. I've never even been bitten or stung by one. But just now I've noticed all these itchy... bumps on my left leg. They can't be fleas because my dog takes those pooch pills that kill fleas. I couldn't help myself, I scratched at it. Quite a bit. Which just made it worse. (Looks at leg, pokes it....eeew!! What could it be?)

Tonight's song:

"Just A Girl" (G. Stefani, T. Dumont)

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me to hold your hand

Cause I'm just a girl, little ol' me
Well Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights
Ohhh...... I've had it up to here

The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things
I hold so dear
Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

Cause I'm just a girl,
I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night
I'm just a girl
Guess I'm some kind of freak
Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes
Oh, I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Ohhh.... I've had it up to here

Ohhh, am I making myself clear?

I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world
Because that's all that you'll let me be!

I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb makes me worry some
I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've become is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum, there's no comparison

Ohhh.... I've had it up to
Whoah.... I've had it up to
Oh oh oh, I've had it up to here.

No Doubt
"Just A Girl"
Tragic Kingdom
(Interscope Records. 1995)

No copyright infrigement intended, only sincere admiration!

**********

'The sound is doing something to my eye. Feels like it's melting my brain. It couldn't actually be doing something to my brain, could it?'
Crichton
I, E.T.

I love Farscape so much.

Hmm, I wish I was an alien.

brand new day

:: how jedi are you? ::